I got my first job when I was fresh out of high school in 2003. I was hired on as a dog bather at a local shop and that job which I am so thankful for, led me down a now 13 year career in dog grooming. I loved and hated it at the same time but i am damn good at it. I always loved the appreciation I got when pet parents would come pick up their dog and see their matted , dirty dog transformed into beautiful clean and happy. I’ve had strong clientele where ever I went, I did awesome work, and I would go above and beyond for my clients. The appreciation you get for doing something for others is probably one of the most incredible feelings. Especially for me because I’m a giver and nurturer at heart.
When I got pregnant it was problems from the start. I was put on bed rest at about 12 weeks I think, and that’s when I let myself go. I became the lazy bed ridden fat pregnant woman. My cravings were Cocoa Puffs and birthday cake. I gained 70 lbs and felt like shit.
Fast forward to after you have a baby and decide to become a stay at home mom. The high you get from having a newborn is unreal, you’re scared as shit but living on cloud 9. You think not having to go to work, staying in yoga pants and having fucked up hair, no make up on is the best thing. Hole in the crotch of my sweats? No big deal! I’m not leaving the house all day anyways! Take a shower and put the same thing back on.. No big deal. Whole pot of spaghetti one sitting? Psshhhh I’m breast feeding, the weight will literally melt off me….. That high wears off eventually. And then you start to feel ugly and fat, with a side of remorse. I don’t know about other stay at home moms, but I had a really tough time with it, I developed post partum depression fairly early on. I expected my fiancé Nathan to be at home with me for atleast a week but pretty much stayed home for two days after. I mean, I don’t know how to take care of this little infant on my own!! He didn’t either but i found solace that we had that to bond on and grow.
Then the resentment started. After I succumbed to the fact that my little infant baby had colic and was on a war path to keep me up all night destroy what little sanity I had left Nathan started setting up his bed on the couch understandably because he had to get up before the sun came up and needed his sleep for work. I was set on having full nighttime responsibilities. I was breastfeeding and It made me feel good (being the people pleaser I am) to allow Nathan to sleep in the other room and get all the sleep, but then it really took its toll pretty quickly.
One of the symptoms I was experiencing was down right ANGER and RESENTMENT.
I was up with a screaming crying baby, feeling defenseless, crying buckets of tears along with her tears. Feeling like a terrible mom. Why can’t I figure out why she’s crying so much ? This can’t be normal? Is she in pain? Am I not producing enough breast milk? I was stuck in a tiny bedroom in a tiny apartment, and I’m pretty sure my neighbors probably thought I was neglecting my baby. I was sharing the bed and breast feeding on demand. I was afraid to talk to other moms because I’ve seen the most judgmental comments to first timers. Like all the dangers of bed sharing. Gimme a break. The pressure was huge on my shoulders. I hated that my fiancé would be able to sleep all night and go off to work all day, especially since I’ve been up all night, headache blazing, body shaking from the nerves, and the ever so constant thought in the back of my head that I can just have a mental breakdown any minute if I can’t just get a couple hours of sleep at night . Uninterrupted . I felt completely unappreciated. Being a mom you have to do what you go to do to take care of your child. And it’s not something that’s usually praised to mothers because that’s what’s supposed to be done. No one should get a trophy for taking care of their kid.
But when you have post partum depression, the battle you feel and have to deal with inside day in and day out and conquer all on your own without medical help (stupid I know) and a very small support system, that pain is real, and I felt I deserved one. Some may think that sounds pretentious. But i didn’t ask for this illness! Every day was a marathon of intense emotion and sleep deprivation, and fear.
To be sitting here with my 19 month old and watching her grow, day in and day out. I’m glad I chose the life of a stay at home mom. I know in a few years I would want to go back to a regular paying job, but right now I’m loving every second of this. I still hold slight resentment towards my fiancé when he leaves for work every day especially if I have had a particularly rough night with her, but it’s nearly not as strong. I realize I don’t need to get that appreciation shown to me all the time now, just one look at her smiling face or seeing her endless joy of chasing around the dog and cat, just fufills that for me.
Until next time. 🙂