As the days go on and I continue to do nightly meditation (had to knock it down to once a day .. Because… Toddler rules the house), I have noticed so many changes in myself in a deep soulful level that are really hard to put into words.
I’m the kind of person who loves routine, to keep doing the same stuff all the time, not go out of my comfort zone, new things scare me, new routines shake me up. If I don’t get any level of alone time I can easily retreat into a depression and I begin to lose sight of myself.
When you become a mother it’s not about you anymore. All your time is spent on one thing: taking the utmost care of this child (or children) and being the best role model and parent you can be. No one wants their child to grow up to be an asshole and certainly not me. I want my child to have a different life experience than I had my entire life.
But there comes a time when enough is enough. You got to take that time for yourself, and it usually comes after a breakdown of some sort. You need to be your own advocate for your emotional, spiritual and physical health.
I realized my breakdown was happening when I was spending all my time on every one else, and none on myself. I am constantly in fights with my toxic mother. I stopped working out, and started eating crappy. My fiancé has PTSD from his time in the Navy and I’m not going to lie, it’s a tough illness. It’s not just his illness, it’s something that the whole family takes on. And I love this man to death, he is the father of my beautiful mean baby girl, but with PTSD comes a lot of things, a lot of emotionally trying things. And while worrying about him on his bad days, and taking on all the other stuff i take on, I don’t allow myself to have good days.
I broke down a couple months ago, I woke up one morning after a really tough day the day before, and a really rough night of sleep, I was battling a sort of depression that I didn’t tell anyone about, and I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day. I didn’t know how I was going to be a mom to this child today. It’s a really sucky feeling, and I’m sure every or almost every parent has felt that type of way in some extent since being a parent.
Insert mindfulness and meditation. Wow. All I can say is I’m so greatful to have this in my life. Even if it’s 30 min , even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes. It’s my time to empty myself, and be in the moment. Everyone can do it, and everyone can reap the benefits of it. I honestly don’t know how the entire world is not doing this ! It’s free!! Ever since I started back into meditating and opening myself up to self reflection and awakening my spirit, I feel more alive than ever. I tend to be a deep person, and it makes me think even deeper, which is making me grow as a person. I’m constantly searching for the meaning of things, because everything has a meaning. I have more insight than ever. Life is about evolving, and if that’s not what your doing than your going nowhere. And nowhere is not the place you want to be.
If you see yourself in my shoes, or if you recently been in my shoes, just know that you can get through hard times, God only gives you what you can handle. If you feel like your breaking down, open yourself up. Let your spirit guide you. Meditation isn’t just about sitting and clearing your mind, it’s a soul search. It’s discovery. When you’re awake at night and worrying about all your problems, remember you were put on this Earth at your exact time of birth for a reason. Once you allow your energy to flow and mind to open up that’s when you start to see things differently. Your intituon becomes stronger, and your thoughts start to change.
Free your mind and the rest will follow. (Yes I just quoted an En Vogue song 😜)