Life Changer 

As the days go on and I continue to do nightly meditation (had to knock it down to once a day .. Because… Toddler rules the house), I have noticed so many changes in myself in a deep soulful level that are really hard to put into words.

I’m the kind of person who loves routine, to keep doing the same stuff all the time, not go out of my comfort zone, new things scare me, new routines shake me up. If I don’t get any level of alone time I can easily retreat into a depression and I begin to lose sight of myself.

When you become a mother it’s not about you anymore. All your time is spent on one thing: taking the utmost care of this child (or children)  and being the best role model and parent you can be. No one wants their child to grow up to be an asshole and certainly not me. I want my child to have a different life experience than I had my entire life.

But there comes a time when enough is enough. You got to take that time for yourself, and it usually comes after a breakdown of some sort.  You need to be your own advocate for your emotional, spiritual and physical health.

I realized my breakdown was happening when I was spending all my time on every one else, and none on myself. I am constantly in fights with my toxic mother. I stopped working out, and started eating crappy. My fiancé has PTSD from his time in the Navy and I’m not going to lie, it’s a tough illness. It’s not just his illness, it’s something that the whole family takes on. And I love this man to death, he is the father of my beautiful mean baby girl, but with PTSD comes a lot of things, a lot of emotionally trying things. And while worrying about him on his bad days, and taking on all the other stuff i take on, I don’t allow myself to have good days.

I broke down a couple months ago, I woke up one morning after a really tough day the day before, and a really rough night of sleep, I was battling a sort of depression that  I didn’t tell anyone about, and I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day. I didn’t know how I was going to be a mom to this child today. It’s a really sucky feeling, and I’m sure every or almost every parent has felt that type of way in some extent since being a parent.

Insert mindfulness and meditation. Wow. All I can say is I’m so greatful to have this in my life. Even if it’s 30 min , even if it’s 5 or 10 minutes. It’s my time to empty myself, and be in the moment. Everyone can do it, and everyone can reap the benefits of it. I honestly don’t know how the entire world is not doing this ! It’s free!! Ever since I started back into meditating and opening myself up to self reflection and awakening my spirit, I feel more alive than ever. I tend to be a deep person, and it makes me think even deeper, which is making me grow as a person. I’m constantly searching for the meaning of things, because everything has a meaning. I have more insight than ever. Life is about evolving, and if that’s not what your doing than your going nowhere. And nowhere is not the place you want to be.

If you see yourself in my shoes, or if you recently been in my shoes, just know that you can get through hard times, God only gives you what you can handle. If you feel like your breaking down, open yourself up. Let your spirit guide you. Meditation isn’t just about sitting and clearing your mind, it’s a soul search. It’s discovery. When you’re awake at night and worrying about all your problems, remember you were put on this Earth at your exact time of birth for a reason. Once you allow your energy to flow and mind to open up that’s when you start to see things differently. Your intituon becomes stronger, and your thoughts start to change.

Free your mind and the rest will follow. (Yes I just quoted an En Vogue song 😜)

 XOXO, Paige❤️

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7 thoughts on “Life Changer 

  1. Wow, hug. Just HUG.

    So many thoughts on this beautiful sharing of yours, but I would only like to express my gratitude and support to you.

    Being a mother, is no easy task (I am not a mother…yet) – you are responsible for the mind, body, and spiritual wellbeing and growth of another human being. Wow. I can’t even fully comprehend that. And I can see that there are a lot of factors in your life that are challenging for anyone to deal with. As a medic, I can understand in theory how difficult PTSD is for all involved. HUG.

    I’m so happy to hear you have found healing in meditation. Over the years, it will do so much more for you than you can even imagine.

    Sending you love on this thursday. Have a blessed day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad to know that you’re making time for yourself. You certainly have a lot going on, and I am proud of you for recognizing your needs as a priority. You’ve always been one to take care of others and put them before yourself, and you probably will always be that way to some extent. Finding that balance as you’ve mentioned is crucial.

    I’m sure you’re doing a great job with your little one, I wouldn’t worry about her having the same experience growing up as you did. I think it’s safe to say your mom takes the cake on the most interesting woman to grow up around ;).

    As time goes on, I’ve noticed that you remind me more and more of your grandpa than I ever have given thought to before. You’ve got an old soul, has anyone ever told you that? I was told that as a kid and maybe that’s why we got along so great.

    I really do think that there’s a spark inside of you that maybe is partly him carrying on with you in this new journey of your life.

    Cherish that spark, reflect on it…see where it takes you. I hope that you give yourself more credit than you probably allow yourself. You’re doing a fantastic job and I know there’s a lot of people that are proud of you. I sure am.

    Thank you for opening up, I am finding a lot of joy from reading these posts and getting reacquainted with the new…old…same…you? 😉

    Off to bed I go, with a smile on my face and a prayer or two being sent to heaven for grandpa. Super thankful for your grandparents for raising you as best they could, I’d say you turned out quite alright 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re seriously an amazing soul Brynt. I can’t even express that enough ! I’m blessed to know you on so many levels! You have a way with words that really touch me and make me feel acknowledged. Thank you for such beautiful comments. I miss grandpa every single day. And for you to say that I carry his spark inside of me, is such a profound statement, he was one hell of a human being. I’m glad you’re enjoying my writing, opening up isn’t easy and there’s no perfect way to do it. But it’s been therapy and it’s comments like yours that keep me doing it. So thank you. I love you and have a good night ! 😄😄😄💤💤💤

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