I was on my Facebook today and every morning I get a notification that I have memories to look at, that sometimes cool and sometimes not cool Facebook feature. This picture popped up from this day in 2011. I was at a bowling alley in San Diego, where I was living at the time. I was surrounded by good friends and it appears I’m having a great time, you can see I have a big smile on my face. I really put on a good show that night.
What you don’t see?
I was having one of the worst times of my life. I hate bringing up the past, or even thinking about the past because a lot of it brings me a great deal of grief, but I feel this post is necessary to share, to bring light to a serious subject. Just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean they’re happy.
I was going through a terrible time in my relationship with an extremely emotionally abusive narsissist. We got into a long fight about something very petty that I can’t even remember. Instead of sitting down like adults and resolving whatever we were arguing about he packed a bag and left me screaming and sobbing on our living room floor begging for some resolution, but only furthering my abandonment issues. On the third day of no contact, I stared in the mirror and told myself how stupid and ugly I was and how I didn’t deserve anything good. I beat myself up about it and blamed the fight on me. What I did next was really stupid but I was young dumb and naive and just wanted to numb the pain. I took 10 motrin 800mg because that’s all that I had in the medicine cabinet. I didn’t want to die I just wanted the pain to be gone. I grew a terrible headache and was sick to my stomach and couldn’t walk or see straight. An hour later to my surprise I got a phone call and he said he was picking me up to take me to the bowling alley where we were invited by our group of friends. Stupid me, I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to straighten things out with him.
What this picture doesn’t show? That just an hour or so before it was taken I was at my all time lowest. My face was swollen from crying for days and I was deeply in pain. I barely even remember the night I was incredibly spaced out and withdrawn. I was faking the best smile I can possibly fake for the sake of not letting anyone know how damaged and volitile our relationship was.
Moral of the story? Don’t let anyone dictate your self worth. If someone can make you feel that low, run as far away from them as you can.