I’m about half way through my second week with a newborn and a toddler. I would be full of shit if I said I was doing great, it’s been quite the struggle. The baby blues have been REAL. Crying over this, crying over that. The mood swings. The postpartum OCD and anxiety. I feel like it’s slowly getting better everyday.
From the day of my induction to the 3rd day home with baby Annastasia (we call her Anna) I survived off of a total of no more than 5 hours of sleep. I hallucinated all day and night. Sleep deprivation is a nightmare! Especially when you are caring for an almost 4 year old as well.
After I had gotten home from the hospital one of the first things I wanted to do was take a shower. Blood was still stained on my skin from my labor. My body still shaking from my traumatic delivery. All I wanted was that shower. I needed it to feel myself, and to get the smell of the hospital off of me. But I didn’t feel that happiness I was expecting. The stiches burned. My feet swollen twice their size. Head throbbing. Blood draining out of me.
Child birth is not glamourous.
It was when I got out of the shower and looked at my naked body in the mirror. My face pale and swollen, bags under my eyes, and a deflated belly where the second love of my life just spent the last 9 months. I placed my hands on my belly closed my eyes and sobbed.
I was greiving. Greiving over the moments I won’t have anymore.. feeling her kick and wiggle. The mornings my daughter Audree and I would wake up and she would lift my shirt up place her head on my belly and tell her unborn baby sister good morning. Being pregnant and carrying pure innocent life inside of you is a very intimate experience. I spent 9 months so uncomfortable and ready to be done, and there I stand in a puddle of my own tears mourning the loss of my pregnant belly. No one really prepares you for that.
But I have her in my arms. And all those uncomfortable 9 months have gone with the wind, and replaced with long nights and days of staring at her beautiful peaceful face watching her sleep…
I wonder if newborns dream….
Annastasia Sparrow born 8-25-18 7:48pm 7lbs 1oz