Feeding your baby…Its always your choice and your choice alone.

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From the time I found out I was pregnant I always knew that I was going to breastfeed. It was nothing my boyfriend and I ever discussed, we just knew that for us, it was what we wanted to do. Like an unspoken understanding.

During the early weeks of pregnancy we probably did what every new parent out there did, and go online for hours and hours researching the best of the best for our newborn. From reading posts on forums for advice, to deciding what diapers and wipes we were going to use. We researched it all. Right off the bat we loved what The Honest Company had to offer. I loved how their wipes were plant based and hypoallergenic. I used their whole-food based prenatal vitamins, and I loved their high quality ingredients that is in all their products on the market. On to the registry they went. Along with all the necessities ranging from clothing and toys to bath towels and nursing pads. How exciting I thought! We were going to be parents!

But my pregnancy turned out to be harder than I ever imagined. . I developed placenta previa early on, and woke up to puddles of blood on two occasions which landed me in the hospital. I was put on bed rest, taken off my job, and was considered high risk at the very beginning of my 2nd trimester. I often felt sorry for myself and disgusted with the amount of weight I had gained. I was depressed. I felt like my life consisted of doctors appointments, blood pressure checks, and lab testing. I always thought to myself…..Where is this glow everyone is talking about? I thought second trimester was supposed to be amazing? How come I gained so much weight and was so tired and depressed while everyone pregnant around me were active, having healthy pregnancies and feeling vibrant!?!

Finally after 28 long excruciating hours from the first dose of induction medicine, I ended up needing an episiotomy, and seconds later  I gave birth to my healthy baby girl Audree. While they cleaned her up I was getting sewed up. I had this sense of amazement that overcame me because at a few points during my delivery I thought I was going to die.  They placed my clean brand new baby on my chest and left the room for two hours telling me that it was bonding time for mother and daughter and this is when she will learn how to take the breast. The hospital I delivered at never mentioned bottle feeding to me, they were very upfront from the very beginning that they were a pro breastfeeding hospital. Which I totally loved. But even if I wasn’t going to breastfeed, it was ultimately my choice in the end. They never once had any influence in my decision to breastfeed.

Luckily Audree took to the breast right away. I never once had a problem with latching, thank God, I have heard horror stories and I felt very lucky. This was the start of our very long breast feeding relationship.

I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t all fun and sweet lovey dovey bonding moments when it came to feeding Audree. As first time parents we were learning on the job. Almost every night was a rough night and I started developing PPD. She screamed and cried most the day and was wide awake and colicky at night. My first instinct was to put her on the breast. Where she felt most calm and relaxed. This ended up being an all day/ all night thing, and I started resenting my decision to breastfeed. She became very attached and dependent on the breast. Although I knew there were so many health benefits to it and there were times where I did enjoy that sweet special time between the two of us, I also felt unhappy, over-touched and sleep deprived.

I did the day and night shift, being that my now fiancé worked a full time job and was gone all day, and needed the restful sleep at night. Some times I just wanted to hand him a bottle and tell him its his turn. I was pumping since birth so I had a good stock of it in the freezer but once that ran out and in desperate need of alone time, I ended up doing what I told myself I wasn’t going to do, we gave her formula. She did not like it. I tried to get her to take it as a supplement to nursing only when needed, and she simply preferred the breast over the bottle. I was trying my best to follow her lead. Do what the attachment parenting guidelines were, but sometimes it was just downright hard and demanding. We decided to just power through it. Keep breastfeeding because that’s what our baby wanted, and my body was very good at producing milk.

After breastfeeding for 27 months, and a little over month post weaning, I don’t regret any of my choices. Although extended breastfeeding was both challenging and rewarding, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I nursed Audree through all her colds and ouchies, and also all night most nights when she needed me the most….to sleep. We weaned when we were both ready. I was so thrilled when it was over. I do find myself missing it at times though.

Even though it was our decision to breastfeed, I don’t have any judgment against anyone who chooses to bottle feed their children. I believe every mother has the power to decide what is best for her and her family. Every family cares for their child in their own personal way, and I have nothing but respect for all the moms out there. Moming is hard. The last thing we women need to feel is judgment from other mothers. We have to respect and encourage every mom to not feel ashamed for the way they feed their child.

XOXO,

Paige

 

 

 

 

 

How I weaned my toddler intuitively and compassionitly. 

If you’re an extended breast feeding mother who is desperate to stop nursing (or not desperate but ready) and at your wits end, have lost hope, and not sure where to turn to for help and REAL guidance  on how to wean your breast milk obsessed toddler, look no further.  This post is for you. 

It was the night of Feb 27th 2017. It was an ordinary night for us. The day was spent breastfeeding on demand and fear of night time battles. 

My night time battles with Audree (26 months old at the time), were hurrendous. Have been since birth. Co-slept since birth. Breastfed on demand since birth. Very attached and clingy. Colicky. Never slept through the night not even once. Slept in 1-2 hour increments.  We were both running on energy levels that were not optimum whatsoever. I couldn’t even get out of bed without her waking up at the quietest noise and crying for boob. 

During the day wasn’t so bad, I would take her out of the house and it was only when I was sitting on the couch she would desperately try ripping my shirt apart to nurse. (Also in public). 

I didn’t even want to nurse for as long as I did. I watched my friends on social media breast feed then wean and I would become very envious, and disheartened. I didn’t know how to go about it, how was I to sit there all night and hear my baby cry for me in agony and not do anything about it. 

I’ve had multiple failed attempts at weaning. It was a joke amongst people I knew that I would probably be breastfeeding till my kid was in high school. 

But on that night of feb 27th, as I put her to bed, in my head and in my heart I felt a change. Something told me she was ready. It was a gut feeling. And part of me was ready too. I wanted my body back. I was over touched, over stimulated all day and was finding myself hormonally unbalanced and needed to get myself back. I also  knew she desperately needed the sleep as much as I did. 

Now, if I go into exact detail of every step of Project Wean Audree, this post will be far too long. So I’ll stick to the most important information I can share with you. 

First of all, I’m not big on crying it out. I don’t knock any other parent for how they raise their child, but for my fiancé, Audree and I. It didn’t work in the past, I felt an enormous amount of grief, and realized quickly this was not the route we wanted to take.  Which is probably why it took us 27 months to be able to wean. 

My method that I firmly stood by, was when WE were ready, it will happen. I listened to countless people give me advice and what they did that worked. But every baby/ toddler is different. After I tried all their advice I decided we were going to throw all of it out the window and the only way we were going to move forward was strictly intuition. 

That intuition came on Feb 27. And it was on that day where I felt it in my heart that this time we were going to make it work. 

After I nursed her down to sleep around midnight (she stayed awake with me, and went to bed with me because I couldn’t leave her alone sleeping or she will wake up immediately screaming, so she learned to stay awake till we went to bed). She woke back up 2 hour later crying and I held her close and told her very matter of factly but in a loving nurturing way, that the boobies were asleep till the sun comes up. I know most of you have probably heard of that method, being it’s a very popular one. Ferber was it? I can’t remember. I told her stories of how all the princesses went to bed on their own and didn’t need mommies milk to sleep.  Well that first night we stayed awake for a few hours, I had taken her down stairs and held her, rocked her, cried with her, sang to her, kept her busy with toys, put on a movie… anything to tire her out and forget about the breast. 

Late into the night I couldn’t hang any longer and I went up into our shared bed, locked the bedroom door so she wouldn’t escape, and I put The Good Dinosaur on for her with the tv dimmed low, and I fell asleep. I think it was around 3-4 am.  I woke up at around 5 am and she was asleep on the bed with me. I was in SHOCK.

 She stayed asleep till about 7 am. I considered that night a huge victory for us. I told my fiancé that it was so damn easy that it felt too good to be true. Well, yeah. I was right. 

The following week, she was catching on to my “boobies at sunrise technique” and she would fall asleep to the boob, wake up a few hours later and stay awake till the sun came up. It cracks me up thinking about it now cause my little girl was beyond smart. Back then I was extremely exhausted. 

So at this point, the only time I nursed her was first thing in the morning, for her naps, and at night. I completely cut out all the unnecessary in betweens. 

Night 3 was when she finally learned to fall asleep on her own, and maintained it night after night. It just kept getting easier. She would still wake up in the middle of the night and literally yank me off the bed to make her food down stairs. She did this up until about a week ago, where she demanded to eat in the middle of the night and fall asleep with food in her hand. I think it is because she was so used to a full belly all night from breast feeding and she was hungry during night weaning. 

Our awesome breakthrough was around day 7, she fell asleep on my lap at a decent hour and I was able to put her in bed without her waking up in transition. She slept a long time that night. 

Around night 11, I realized that I just had to break the nurse to sleep habit. She was waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for hours and I had enough. That was the hardest part of this whole ordeal. We pretty much had to pack her belly with food before bed, give her lots of relaxing cuddles and a lot of patience and she finally figured it out on her own. Oh and there was a lot of crying but she was never left to cry alone, she was always in either mine or her daddy’s arms. This is when the criticle moment happened. She started sleeping longer!! 


The next step I wanted to cut out was morning nursing. I knew she was ready when she would wake up in the morning and ask for breakfast. That was a relief. She did that all on her own. Easiest one to break. 

Last but not least, the nap nurse. I was so afraid to drop this one, because I didn’t want her to stay awake all day and be a monster because she didn’t have a boob to put her out. This is when she finally started falling asleep in the car ! Which NEVER HAPPENS!!!! That’s pretty much the only time besides a few times at home where she has taken a nap since we cut the nap nursing out of our day. I nursed her down for a nap for the last time at Knotts Berry Farm. 

It took 33 days to FULLY wean Audree, she is now 27 months. Now throughout this process, there was a lot of crying and heart break. But I fully believe that when you listen to your motherly intuition, you will know when the right time is, and when your child is ready for this next big step in life. 

Audree doesn’t nap, I think she is high energy enough to not need one anymore, unless she’s completely warn out. But she puts herself to sleep anywhere between 7:30-9 every night now. I’m giddy thinking about it. It took up until last week for her to get over demanding food in the middle of the night, she settles just fine with water now. 

It’s now April 19th,  and looking back on those 33 days, I can say I feel incredibly proud of myself to have made it. I honestly thought I was going to be breast feeding for life. But when it’s time, it’s time! And if you aren’t there yet, then that’s ok! When you are there and your child is there right with you, you will know. You will feel it in your heart and the process of it all will become so much easier for you. I know as mothers it can be difficult to not be able to give your baby what it so desperately wants, the boob. But stay strong moms! If I could do it, YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me when I say that. There is hope for you! 

Audree is now sleeping through the night. She isn’t easily startled anymore, and even snores! My favorite is when she tells us when she is ready for  “night night” and then just dozes off.  She wakes me up with smiles and most mornings tickles me. Its a joy. 
I’m getting the most sleep I have gotten in years. 

Next step: putting her into her big girl bed in her room. 

I really hope this helps you in some sort of way. Or even if you don’t take my advice or follow how I did things, just know that there is hope for you. ❤️ 

My next blog post, since it’s getting late and I need to go to bed, is going to be about the emotional and hormonal changes that happened to me after weaning. It’s going to be a good one, so be on the look out for it. I will be posting it very soon. 

XOXO, Paige 

Toddlers Are Weird

This is fact. 

Many of you guys would agree that at the age of toddlerhood they start doing some weird things. Developing strange habits. Frustrating habits. Pull the hair straight out of your head sort of habits. Although I was warned of terrible twos. 
I compiled a list of things my now 25 month old toddler is doing….. and some that she has been doing for a little while in the past 6 months or so. I’m sure all of these is common. And you could probably relate. 

Throwing herself down in public. Doesn’t matter where. Just embarrassing the shit out of you in the process. 

The torture of having a stray hair land on her hand. Won’t stop screaming till I remove said hair strand. 

Screaming at the top of her lungs for no reason whatsoever. Life is tough when you’re 2. 

Putting food in her mouth then spitting it right out. In the high chair, on your white rug, on the coffee table, your lap, the dogs head. 

Doesn’t want me touch her, but if I walk away she screams and wants a hug. 

Nursing on one boob then switching after a few minutes and nurses on the other boob. And repeat till the end of eternity. 

Asks for “Dori” but I put on “Dori” and she screams and throws herself down. 

Goes into pantry and brings me food for her to eat, then after preparing said food, she screams and throws it on the floor. 

Taking off her clothes in the gym day care. 

Needs her hand held in the car seat. 

After changing her diaper she jumps up and gives me a huge hug. Okay…. I love this one. 

Finishing her drinks or food and throwing away her rewashable cups and plates in the trash. Don’t worry, it’s just money. 

Physically eating my expensive Two Faced blush. 

Throwing things into the toilet and waving “bye!” 

Pouring out all my lotion and screaming cause she got some on her hands and can’t deal with the pain. 

When I’m doing the dishes, she goes to her fake kitchen and does the dishes there. It’s actually pretty cute. 

Speaking of cute. EVERYTHING is cute. When we go to Target, she yells “cute!!!” At everything. She says what I’m actually thinking lol. Cause I love Target. She probably learned that from me. 

Finding bite marks in my beauty blenders. 

Goes into the pantry and feeds the dogs huge oversized bowls of food. Which is a great help in the morning before I’ve had my coffee. 

Drinking water out of the dog food bowl. Hey, she’s quenching her thirst. 

Is way too interested in those weird YouTube videos of children playing with toys  that I see all the other kids watching, and thought I would never let my kid watch. 

Giving her a fruit juice pouch and she takes the straw out and drinks it out of the hole or pours it over her head. Then screams. 

She likes to put Disney character stickers on her feet and goes to walk and the pain is almost unbearable. Darn stickers. 

If I just look at her when she’s in a bad mood. The world is over. 

Sure there is plenty more but it’s 11 pm and it’s been a long day. 

What kind of weird things does your toddler do? 

Until next time friends 

XOXO, Paige❤

The gym and mental health

Hey friends! Hope all is well with you! 

I was just watching some inspirational videos on YouTube and felt the urge to talk to you guys for a little bit.

I’ve been feeling the winter blues really bad recently. My weird depression/ moody/ lethargic symptoms started creeping back into my life, like they usually do ever so often- but this time I was just feeling extra lazy and overwhelmed . I’ve been eating vegan for over 2 months now. So I feel good diet wise, But  been feeling like total crap in other aspects. I spend most the days inside and taking care of my toddler, cleaning and not sleeping enough. 

3 weeks ago I started working out at a gym. The gym has a daycare which suprisngly enough Audree adapted. So I drop her off and workout for how ever long I want. Usually an hour. 

Well obviously it takes time for good change to happen, especially after being in such a negative state of mind for so long. But I think I’m finally feeling a sense of NORMAL-well I don’t really know what normal is actually, but the closest I can describe it is as -level. 

If you follow my blog you know I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t leave my daughter very often and have been struggling with depression/ anxiety. And I’m not saying that all these symptoms are completely gone. But I’m very happy to report that the gym is becoming therapy and medicine for me. It’s slowly creating positive changes in me that I’m beginning to notice. For instance, i signed up for a 5k color vibe run. I picked up reading again. I’m actually reading two books at the same time. (50 Shades of Grey Darker, and Grey 😉) in spirit of the new movie coming out next week, yes… I am quite obsessed with the movie and already have pre sale tickets to the premiere. (I can’t contain my excitement!!!) Anyways, back to the topic at hand. 

A while back I stopped doing yoga as much because my winter depression hit and I didn’t have energy to do anything. I didn’t feel strong enough. But I’m beating it!!! And it’s a tough fight ! I will not lie to you and say it’s easy. It’s a fight everyday. 


Mental health is so important I can’t stress this enough. It’s a struggle in my house living with someone with PTSD/ mood disorder, and having issues myself, and trying to keep a happy healthy life at home for our daughter.  It took Nathan’s last panic attack for me to discuss with him very earnestly that what we’re doing isn’t working. I was unhappy, I was depressed and not moving my body at all. He was feeling the same. I mean, the grouchiness would just radiate off of him (and me too I hate to admit). So his spirits and energy has lifted tremendously since he’s started going to the gym and running again. Thank goodness. Although…. he’s still a grouch at times. That will never change. HA! 

 For two years my main focus in life was and still is my daughter and I pretty much let myself go. I didn’t want to be intimate, I didn’t want to wear anything but pajamas (yoga pants lol) because I was insecure about my body and not only that, my presence in general. 

 It feels LIBERATING to finally take my life back. Although it is tough to drop Audree off in the gym day care and see her staring at me like “mommy where you going- come back”, but I feel like this is what I need. 

I’m slowly learning that I can’t neglect myself any longer. And damn it does that feel great. I lift heavy in the gym, do some cardio…. exhaust all the bad energy and stress out of my body, and when I go home I’m fresh and happy and able to deal with stress easier. It helps me to be a better mom, and that’s super important to me. I hated the way I felt when I lost all sense of self and focused 150% of my energy on my daughter but completely neglected to take care of my self. I now know I can be a fantastic parent and also take time for myself and not feel bad for it.  

I just celebrated my two month vegan anniversary, yay me! And now I’m back in the gym and working hard, I have one more thing to work on. Three dreaded words. 

 My body image. 

I can’t wait to get to a place where I’m comfortable in my own skin. But I believe I’m on the right path. 

 I don’t want anyone feeling the lows I was feeling. If I can give advice to anyone who is feeling how I described, even if you don’t have a kid and you’ve found yourself disregarding that darkness inside you,  be active! (Or if it’s really serious please see a doctor!) I promise you. Our bodies are meant to be moving. Don’t be discouraged, we all have to start from somewhere!

Thank you for being by my side on this journey of mine, follow me on Snapchat! Audreesmom14

More to come on this topic! 


XOXO, Paige❤

Blogger Recognition Award

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I must apologize for the delay of this post. I was nominated about a week ago  by A Fresh Brewed Faith for this lovely award. I believe this is my second Blogger Recognition Award, and I am much honored to have been recognized once again for the work I do on Memoirs of the Quiet. So thank you again for the nomination! I’m very delighted to receive it .

RULES:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Write a post to show your award.
  • Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  • Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
  • Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to.
  • Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.

 

HOW MY BLOG GOT STARTED :

To be honest, I really needed a hobby. I have always loved to write and one day I made a wordpress account and dove right in. So glad I have because I have been able to touch lives and meet genuine people that I would have never been able to meet in the real world.

MY HUMBLE ADVICE FOR NEWBIES TO THE BLOGGING LIFE:

  1. Don’t put too much pressure into your first few posts. Get comfortable with the thoughts in your head and let them just flow naturally. The magic happens when all insecurities are set free and you begin to truly write from the heart. Your fellow readers will recognize genuine pieces and you will get a following just let it come slowly.
  2. Keep up with your followers posts. Learn about them. Engage in conversation when something sparks your interest. Every blogger loves to have likes on their posts, but the real love is the comments and the relationship building that happens from there.

 

MY 10 NOMINEES . DRUMMMMM ROLLLLL…..

KUDDOS AND KIDDOS

Home is where the heart is

Mommy needs champagne

dead alive 123 blog

Mom and Things

Sunflower Smile

The Little Vegan

Dinosaurs Donkeys and MS

Rumpy Dog

Louisa Noa

I’m sorry guys, I was trying really hard to do the full 15 but at this moment my child is crawling all over me and have to cut this short.

Thank you again A Fresh Brewed Faith for your nomination ! Keep up on all your great posts! ❤

XOXO, Paige

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What insomnia sounds like… Part one. 

Audree is cuddling the teddy bear how cute. 

She actually went to bed quite fast tonight. 
Super proud of all the vegan food I made today without looking at recipe books. 
Grandma thinks being vegan will kill me. LOL
“Everybody!!!! Swing your hair and feel united!!! Woo oooo oooooh!” -Trolls song stuck in my head 2nd night in a row. 
My flameless candles aren’t very flamey tonight. Maybe I need to replace the batteries… I mean I leave them on 24/7. I’ll just wait till they die. 
Oh God what’s the thermostat set at… I roasted last night…..
“Everybody!!!!! Swing your hair and feel united!!! Woo oooo oooooh!”



When will I go to bed….. 
This Costco pillow is already almost flat. I hate when pillows go flat. Not fair. 
Thinking of my upper body workout I’m going to do at the gym tomorrow. 
Thank you Midol for taking my stomach pain away, ahhhh. I feel so much better. 
Leg cramp…. ouch! 
“Everybody!!!!!………” 
The house just “settled” why do they do that. This is not an old house. 
Speaking of house settling, why does my tub make a cracking sound like someone is stepping into it? Better not be no fucking ghost here. 
The comparison of Sea World’s parking lot to the habitat that the orcas will spend their life in is so fucking sad. I’m sad. 
I need to seriously watch Free Willy again. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid. I bet it would bring back ton of memories.
What’s that weird moving around in my stomach….. 
That would be sooo weird if I was like 5 months pregnant and didn’t even know it and all the pregnancy tests I’ve been taking lately have been false negatives. 
“EVERYBODY!!!!…….” 
Audree just breathed heavy , please please don’t wake up…. ok cool she’s still sleeping. 
Please don’t be packed at the gym tomorrow. 
My boob itches *scratches boob… oh now it’s my legs.. *scratches legs…. 
I want to take a painting class. Bob Ross is like a legend. 
Why does that heater keep switching on! 
1.2.3.4.5
“EVERYBODY!!!!!!…..” 



Seriously this is the second pair of Costco glasses I have gotten that suck! Why can’t they get my prescription right ? 
When Branch sings to Poppy in Trolls… it’s so sad. 
Ummmm. I just remembered we’re out of dog food. That means I’ll have to go to the store first thing in the morning . After my coffee of course.
I’m almost out of coffee creamer. Better go to the store before my coffee then. Damn it why do I remember these things last minute! 
I seriously need to stop watching Trolls everyday. I mean it’s bad enough we listen to the soundtrack. But the songs are eating at my brain. 
That was a really long yawn. When I was pregnant my yawns were almost orgasmic. 
It’s 11:40 pm. Ok right around the time I should be going to sleep now. 
“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop the beat!”


Fuck.

Dear Katelyn Davis….

I am sorry life failed you. I’m sorry your parents failed you. I’m sorry that your depression overcome you so much that the only way out for you was suicide. I am sorry that you have lived through such horrendous acts from your piece of shit molesting stepfather. He should be dead not you. Reading your story tears me apart. I hope you’re up in heaven amongst the angels. 

RIP 

** If you don’t know who Katelyn Davis is… she is a 12 year old girl living in Georgia who hung her self on a live internet feed on December 30th.  She was suffering from extreme depression, disgusting living conditions, and was molested and mentally abused by her step father. She wrote blog posts about her depression days leading up to her suicide. May this beautiful soul finally be in peace. 

This MUST be a wake up call to everyone!! People are suffering out there, some silent and some not, she was very vocal about her depression and it was a cry for help.  Hope this doesn’t have to happen to any one else.